Causes of conflict in romantic relationships

She has also taught workshops in the New York Greater Metropolitan Area and has worked with people privately teaching them how to use this method in New York and California where she presently resides.

Causes of conflict in romantic relationships

What makes the relationship with a woman with traits of BPD so different is that the red flags that most people look for in order to determine whether their partner truly has their interests in mind are absent.

Causes of conflict in romantic relationships

Instead of red flag warnings, the woman with traits of BPD will give him every reason in the world to trust him. In a relationship with a woman with traits of BPD, devaluation usually does not emerge until the woman in question has won over the trust of her partner completely.

It may sound cruel and malicious to draw a man in, win his trust over completely, and then systematically tear him down. But the truth is that in most of these relationships the woman herself may have no idea during the idealization phase that she is headed straight towards the destruction of her relationship.

Causes of conflict in romantic relationships

In fact, in many cases, even in the middle of the most vicious campaign to tear her loved one down, she is often unaware of why she is devaluing him. Most women with traits of BPD are initially as confused by the devaluation phase of their relationship as their partner.

There are two questions that unanswered lead to a great amount of confusion on the part of men who have been through this cycle. If a romantic partner has devalued you this way does it mean she actually has the condition of borderline personality disorder?

What exactly is it that can make a woman pull out all the stops to win your trust only to then turn on you when you are Causes of conflict in romantic relationships your most vulnerable. Does a wife or girlfriend who first idealized you and then began a campaign to devalue you have the condition known as borderline personality disorder?

The simple answer is that although she may have traits of BPD and she may engage in behaviors associated with BPDshe probably does not qualify for the diagnosis.

Not all women who have the tendency to at first idealize their partner and then when they have won his trust devalue him have a personality disorder. But as long as they remain functional in their everyday lives they will probably not qualify for the diagnosis.

As with most traits associated with BPD, there is a spectrum that can be applied to the pattern of romantic idealization and devaluation. Most women who engage in this pattern would not be eligible for the diagnosis. But even women who do not qualify for diagnosis can cause a great deal of damage to their partners when their idealization fades.

When Interest Turns to Obsession The personality trait that drives the two phases of romantic idealization and devaluation is actually a very common trait in women. The trait can be described as an extreme interest in anything related to romance, but it is actually a strong interest in all kinds of bonding with others.

This strong interest can cause a woman to form an idealized picture of a future mate and her life with him. In order to more clearly understand the personality trait that leads to romantic idealization and devaluation, we are going to take a look at an imaginary scale or spectrum of interest in romance.

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Spectrum of Interest In Romance At the far left side of this spectrum you will find individuals who are the most interested in all things romantic. You might even say they are obsessed with romance. On the right side we will place people who may choose to be in a lifelong partnership but who do not idealize their relationships.

Because strong interest in romance is a very common female personality trait, we will find that most of the people who are highly interested in romantic love are women. Interestingly enough, if we move far enough out to the left side of this spectrum, we will encounter women who may qualify for the diagnosis of borderline personality disorder.

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These are women who so obsessed with romance that they become destructive to the men who choose to partner with them. Because of their ability to portray to men a convincing ideal version of themselves in the beginning of their relationships, men tend to fall deeply in love with them.

These men are usually devastated when the illusion fades and the woman they love finds herself too closely entangled for comfort and pushes him away.

She launches what looks like a deliberate campaign to demean him. Most idealizing women are unable to cope with the reality they face when their idealization fades. These women often transfer the blame for their disapointment onto their unsuspecting partners.

The way they do this is by devaluing them. This gives an idealizing woman the perfect excuse to back-pedal out of the intimacy she created in her fantasy relationship. But women with BPD are not the only ones who struggle with this polarity in their romantic lives.Not all relationships lead to happily-ever-after.

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I am a consultant and an educator who helps people understand emotionality. I have in the past taught techniques that help people move past emotional blocks and am presently working as a consultant teaching a method that shows people how to reverse high conflict behavior in their relationships.

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Romantic Idealization and Devaluation - BPD